I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I would like even faster food.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.