I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[eats all your cotton candy]
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Posting this on behalf of a friend
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Midwest trash talk
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what