Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
asked my bf how work was today
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.