Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.