Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.