Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
selena gomez
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Happens to everyone.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.