recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
You Might Also Like
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*frowns in Scottish*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!