Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
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Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
sigh
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
They got a point!
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.