Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The news in a nutshell.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.