[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
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If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
bias laundering edition
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?