They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.