My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do