This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
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My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
#oldknees
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt