wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
what’s really going on
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.