The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.