Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
(by @ZachWeiner )
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.