Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)