I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.