I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Pizza is an emotion right?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Thanks to a fan for this one!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.