People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
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Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
i smell a pulitzer
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky