It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die