My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
tinder is all about the long game
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates