I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.