So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.