God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Woke up against my better judgement again
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
That lamp looks PISSED.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?