me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I can’t stop watching this.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no