Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
i dont have time for this
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.