I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You Might Also Like
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head