People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
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Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
finally found a reasonable question
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.