Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
OKAY DAD
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Put this video in the Louvre
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER