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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.