After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months