Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
See..?
.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Tell the colonel to bring it
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”