Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Brb my Sims are getting married
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.