me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
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friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.