me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Put my back out twerking in the library again
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.