“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.