I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
good work, everybody
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.