Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.