Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*