do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.