Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.