*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.