You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.