Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
what it’s like dating me:
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy