jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Mission: Impossible
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad