Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
respect
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!