[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I believe the plural is “milves.”