Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.