me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
thinking about a very short hotdog
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
We have a winner.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy